There it is again…the feeling of:
“Am I getting myself into something that I’ll regret later?”
“Am I ready?”
“Will I leave a good impression?”
“Will I be able to learn quickly or be a disappointment?”
Just yesterday, we officially registered the baby of the family for school. Her peers are 4th graders and her assessment test showed that she is at their level for reading (yay!!) and a year behind for math (ah, well…). The night before, Baby Girl had trouble sleeping…she was too excited about taking the test. She was worried she wouldn’t do well and would end up leaving the school in tears. So we said a prayer that the Lord would bless her with peaceful sleep, and off she went to The Land of Nod.
The next day, she scored well overall, had fun taking the test, and is happy to be called a Third Grader. Cool! Now it’s Mama’s turn.
In exactly one hour from now, I will leave for a rather important job interview. I feel that a lot is at stake: the pay is high for someone who doesn’t have a college degree. It’s full-time work, so full-time work + higher pay = getting my bills paid sooner rather than later and actually seeing some #LifeGoals come to fruition.
Last night, I suffered Baby Girl’s anxiety and then some: I couldn’t sleep hardly at all. When I did finally fall asleep, I had what I call “anxiety dreams”. I dreamed my younger three kids were hurt and that I cheated on my husband. In that particular dream, I remember talking to God, telling Him I didn’t want to talk to Him any more about my infidelity. And I remember hating myself because I hurt my husband. It was so realistic that the sick feeling it put in my gut woke me up. When I did finally come to, I was ELATED that I didn’t actually cheat on my husband or destroy our marriage. Whew… I need to get this interview over with and fast.
So here I am now. My gut is turning, I can’t eat, I feel like I’m getting the flu (body aches, fatigue). But I’m going to push through. I will try to look at my interview the way Baby Girl looked at her assessment test: “This is FUN!!”. I realize that all the nervousness in the world will not guarantee me the job I think I really want. I’m trying to tell myself now, “Hey CJ! You are Pure Awesomeness. You are so amazing that they will be fools NOT to hire you. The very glow of your awesomeness is going to blind them.” Of course, this is all tongue-in-cheek but it’s how I’m getting through. I’m going to take deep breaths, pray, and know that if it doesn’t work out, something else will come along. I just hope I don’t vomit in front of anyone. Wish me luck, Peeps–it’s almost time to go…
Update: It’s a few days later and I’m still waiting to hear about whether or not I got the job. I hope I did…and if I do, I hope I can handle it! I’ll have a new “First day of…” to work through!
CJ Heath is definitely a Nervous Nellie who should probably be meditating to get through those butterflies in the stomach!